nothing is worth it anymore. nothing is worth it. i can’t find happiness anymore. i can’t find peace or serenity. i can’t find love without having to ask for it. i can’t find understandance unless i make things obvious to others. i need someone who knows me, and can handle me. i need a father. i need a loving mother and sister. i need more true friends. i need some freaking more hugs!! i want to ecscape from this life. i want something that’s just going to numb me, make me forget, make me lose control of my emotions so they don’t get the better of me anymore. right now, i need someone who is going to give me there all, coz i’m in too much of a weak place to accept anything less. i don’t know what the answer is, i don’t know what to do or how to help myself. as i’m sure neither do you. but i just want to give up. i just want… NO NEED a freaking break. i want to kill myself. i want to kill myself, so badly.

there once was a dog, who was brought into this world under harsh circumstances. this dog had lost his mother at a young age, and was nursed and cared for by a farmers wife. this puppy grew up and to his knowledge was treated well. it was only when this puppy started attending puppy training classes did it realize how cruelly he had been treated, and how horrible his life was. you see almost every day this puppy was given a bone… a nice big juicy one, that he could demolish to his delight and once in a while the farmers wife thought it amusing to not give the puppy his bone a few nights, when the puppy asks to have his bone the farmers wife would beat the puppy. the puppy had suffered this sought of treatment for a while, and eventually surrendered to it. when his bone was not given to him he would not beg for it, he would not be happy or sad about this… he eventually became desensitized to the bone and what it represented completely. this went on for many years. this puppy now a full grown dog, when a bone is placed infront of him, he knows the pain and suffering which will be had if he accepts the bone and all it stands for. he now just sits and watches the bone for days on end until finally the farmers wife takes the bone away, and the full grown dog now, feels serenity and peace as the bone no longer taunts him.

it’s horrible that such treatment can result in resentment to what does truly make us happy.

i have that sickening feeling, the feeling that it’s all too real for me right now. the anxiety, the depression the lack of will to live without him…. the feeling of being vulnerable and alone. this depression is eating me up, last night i though that if i just ignored it eventually it would go away. i go for bad to great to worse then before. why is my mind a fucking maze, a trap, that has no outcome i just go round and round in circles. sometimes i just want to knock myself out, just so i can stop thinking and being upset. these problems and issues are going to kill me sooner or later.

i can’t see a reason worth living it anymore.