i see myself dying right before my very own eyes. i see it in my weight loss, because i can’t stand to look at myself naked in the mirror as all i see is a vulgar piece of shit staring right back at me. i see it in the strands of hair i leave on my pillow every morning when i wake up, because i stress so much and i just can’t help but stress… it’s in my nature. i see it in the slowly but surely fake smile i produce for the world (even that is disappearing), i can’t smile any more… sometimes i find myself just sitting in silence when I’m in big crowds of people EVEN SMALL CLUSTERS. i mean I’ve been depressed before, had my experience with post-traumatic episodes; but it has never reached this point before. it’s never gotten to the point where i don’t feel like i can turn around come out from under the covers and face my demons.

today in English we were asked the question, do you believe that people and can truly redeem themselves. this made me think of my dad, it made me feel defensive, but WHY?! i should hate this man, i should hate everything i know about him…. but i can’t help but feel like some how in some way i need to find out who he is, what he is like. i mean i am half of what this man is, whether it be his crazy aggressive pathological maniac side or, perhaps his highly intellectual and charming side… all i know is it’s genetics. if i don’t know who this man is, can i truly be blamed for not knowing who i am myself? I’m lost in the sea of which is my mind. i plague myself, with fear and doubt and resentment FOR EVERYONE, even people who don’t deserve it. i hate my mum, like honestly… truly loathe the woman. i blame her for my depression, my anxiety, my self esteem issues. want to know why? because she gave birth to me, if it wasn’t for her i would not face the dilemmas i face each and every day, i would not have the pain i have right now. i know it can’t all be her fault, but it could all have been easily prevented. i don’t just blame and resent her though, i feel INCREDIBLY guilty, this woman sacrificed everything she ever had or was working her way up to for me. for me to live and survive in this cold harsh world. and because i feel so guilty, i resent even more, ad then feel guilty about my resentment, quite a conundrum right?

I’ve experienced a lot in my short 17 years, everything from abuse of possibly every kind to truly happy moments in life of pure bliss. but when a fog of nothing but doubt and self hatred absorbs you, you forget those sorts of happy and blissful moments, and when your experiencing them in the here and now you see it as a personal attack, people trying to show you what you could have, and what you want to have, but wont allow yourself to have. i forget what’s like to wake up in the mornings and go, my life is fantastic, actually i don’t think i ever have done that. i sound like I’m complaining about life, truly I’m not. I’m just venting. 

sometimes i wonder what i could actually physically do in order to change the way i feel or think, nothing comes to mind. so for now, I’ll sit in the small cluster of people in the canteen every lunch and recess and I’ll sit in silence, being manipulated by my minds own thoughts telling myself i will never, i can’t and i won’t… i don’t know who to turn to, the people i do are either unreliable or just plain don’t understand me. this is a cry for help more then anything, i don’t see myself reaching my 18th birthday if it continues to be this bad, this is an SOS call, and i really need someone to answer it.